MUMBLE, BUMBLE, FAST FOOD FUMBLE

To quote the infamous Pee Wee Herman, “All I wanted was a lousy samwich!”

Unfortunately for my health, I usually blaze thru an Austin fast-food joint for lunch on workdays. I’m a cheap ol’ abbot, so a sit-down meal is out of the question (unless it’s sitting in my truck.) Now, this truck is not a diesel, does not have cherry bombs or dual cannonball exhausts: runs fairly quietly, thank you. As for me, I have been speaking American English w/varying levels of fluency for over ½ of a century. Still, I seem to be increasingly unable to get my order filled properly. I have visions of Steve Martin’s Clouseau trying to order “de behrgehr!” in my voice. (Shudder).
Case in point: (or should that be dans le point?) I roll up to the Jack Inna Box, having decided to brave their Alleged Sirloin Concoction. I order a combo via the Shouting Order Taking Lady. Foolish me, I expect to get it. Off I go back to the office, where I gleefully (OOOOO, the anticipAAAAtion! ) unwrap my fancy fast food fare, only to discover that the Jack Inna Box translation of the phrase “Sirloin Steak & Cheddar Combo” happens to be “Double Bacon Cheeseburger with refrigerated fries & tea w/free Slime Mold flavoring!” Silly me. The Ol’ Abbot has not eaten pork in any form for many years. There’s 6 bucks I’ll never see again!!
It’s my own fault, I guess. About 2 months ago I visited the same spot & ordered tacos. In the words of Chief Engineer Montgomery Scott, “Ye canna’ break the laws of physics, Abbot!” Not so, Scotty, not so. These tacos astoundingly managed to be simultaneously stale but soggy, flat but lumpy. The fries were also appropriately refrigerated, & mirrored the staleness of the tacos exceptionally well. My heartfelt outcry via their website has produced nothing..
At the busy-because-of-the-overflow-from-Sandy’s Whataburger on S. 1st, the food is good; you just have to put up with the 90-decibel order takers. My wife helped me retain what’s left of my hearing by suggesting that I open the passenger-side window before I roll up so that the blast deafens folks in Westlake as opposed to just me. Sort of an audiocidal venturi effect, as it were. I heard that last week it got so bad that the water in Barton Springs Pool started flowing back upstream! I think they keep it loud so that the folks at Sandy’s know that somebody is eating next door, too. Nya-Nyaa-na-naaa-naa!!
Wendy’s works quickly, you just have to repeat yourself a few times & perform a CSI-level inspection of your drink. Funny how many times Iced Tea morphs into Hi-C. Or Sprite. Hmmm… The cashier also finds it inordinately humorous to withhold the largest bill from your change & await your reaction. Hilarious!!
At a mid-commute drive-thru coffee joint, I’ve tried a couple of scones, which were as cold as Jack Inna IceBox fries. Their cappuccino has made me ill the last 2 times. Now, I’ve never been to Seattle, but I don’t think cappuccino is supposed to be bitter. So, I try a cinnamon roll, which arrived hot, dripping an overabundance of sizzling glaze, & artfully constructed of incompletely baked dough. Paging Mr. $5 Bill: please report to the landfill at immediately!
Bill Miller’s on Ben White does a good job – Shouting Order Taking Lady has a lunch shift there, but she listens & gets it right. Riverside Sonic is efficient, friendly, & Slime-Mold-free. Arby’s on Wm. Cannon belts it out w/the best of them. (“Them” being hearing-impaired opera bellowers.)

Cartwright’s BBQ & Chicken Express in Bastrop are balms to my shattered Suppertime Psyche. I roll up, they say, in mellifluous, soothing tones, “Insert name of restaurant here”, order when you’re ready!” Aaaahhhhhh… I can take a bit o’ time & focus my failing peepers on their menu, make a quick executive decision, & proceed to procure my proper comestibles. That’s the way it is done in Abbot’s World!
I guess this is the Father’s way of telling me “Heeeeey Abbooooooooot! Brown bag it. “ If only there was room in our office fridge…