Heavy Nights, Unwelcome Days

Forcedly surrendering control: I guess that is about as well as I can say it. As I stated before, I am not in control of my emotions & cannot predict my reactions to the forks & turns & dips & climbs on this path that the Creator has placed 'neath my feet.

After a tough day yesterday, I got home & opened an envelope from Hospice, which contained information about grief resources, & a booklet entitled "Someone You Love Has Died". I knew that this little tome could help me, but it was too much to bear at that time. I found myself in bed, adrift in the dark, with my beloved darlin's ashes resting on my shoulder, her pillow clutched to my chest, under the blanket under which she died. I let it all go again, giving myself over to the thundering flood of raw, visceral emotion & pain & fear, letting out the tears which I certainly have not been hoarding. After an eternity, I calmed again, & was filled by the warmth of the presence of the Holy Spirit, & could feel my darlin' in my arms. I rocked her slowly, gently, as so many times before. I told her I loved her, which never seemed to cover the strength of the emotional bond we shared.

My tears replenished, & flowed, & again throughout the night as my grief took control & I was swept along. I had a powerful email from BBD#4 regarding the scattering of my darlin's ashes, & I wrote her as heartfelt an answer as possible. It reminded me of a poem my darlin' wrote for me many years ago, which I had never shared with anyone: I sent her a verse last night, & will post it here after I have shared with her blood kin. Perhaps it will be part of her memorial service: I think she would like that.

Today has been even harder: I had to leave the office & sit by the river, praying my flute, casting my prayers & my tears upon the waters. Next week, I begin bereavement counseling thru Hospice - I pray that I can bear it, & come out the other side as someone those closest to me can yet love. Please pray for me, that I do not drown in this sea of loneliness & despair.