Will I be alone, when they roll back the stone?
Will there be someone to wait with me,
Someone I’ve always known?
When the Son walked beside me,
When he sat there by my side,
I found myself looking around,
For someone else to find.
A guide to stand along with me
To show me how to live
But no one else came thru that light
A guiding hand to give.
Will I be alone, when they roll back the stone?
Will there be someone to wait with me,
Someone I’ve always known?
I thought He was there to help me
To welcome one who knew
The way to Heaven’s glory
When my earthly life is through.
But no one else stepped forward
Though into the glow I stared
Not knowing that the One I sought
Was seated with me there
Will I be alone, when they roll back the stone?
Will there be someone to wait with me,
Someone I’ve always known?
And many’s the years later on
When it occurred to me
That when the Son revealed Himself
I was too blind to see
So have I squandered that He gave
Too destined by the world
To take His hand & call Him Lord
Before the gates of pearl?
Will I be alone, when they roll back the stone?
Will there be someone to wait with me,
Someone I’ve always known?
Showing posts with label death. Show all posts
Showing posts with label death. Show all posts
Thursday, March 05, 2009
Monday, June 09, 2008
Ashes on the Wind
Dear Ones, We held the memorial for our beloved Regina on Saturday, June 7. It was a wonderful time, the weather was hot but not stifling, & the fellowship was loving & healing & fun.
We had 25 in attendance, bio & non-bio family, & great friends. Several who wanted to be there were unable, & we celebrated for them in their absence. Bud cooked meat, as is his solution to everything (happily!), & apparently I asked everyone that was coming to bring bread & plates… Think I’ll open a new eBay store called Paper Plates R Us!
We ate, visited, loved, cried, & enjoyed each other all afternoon. Regina’s youngest daughter CJ (Blond Bombshell#4) & her beautiful son Levi had a blowout on the highway, had to wait for assistance & then buy a tire, but they persevered & arrived in plenty of time before the ceremony began. Thanks to our Father the Creator for keeping them safe! CJ was very gracious, we enjoyed photos of her dear granddaughters, & it was a great blessing to see her again after a very long estrangement. We talked quite a bit, it was so wonderful to have her in my arms again, my beloved’s flesh & blood, with her lovely, piercing ice blue eyes & that dazzling smile I remember so well. I pray that she received some healing there, & I appreciate the strength that it took to participate in the service for her Mother, 1 day after laying her beloved Mother in Law Regina to rest. Did I mention that I love her very much, & owe her a deep debt of gratitude for introducing me to this astounding family so many years ago?
When it came time for ceremony, several folks took Regina’s collection of canes & walking sticks, Bud carried my staff that I carved years ago, & they formed 2 lines in the drive. Wearing the ceremonial garb Regina had made for me, I carried my darlin’s ashes between them & called them to begin. They proceeded down the drive, stopped at the end & raised her canes to form an arch thru which I bore her to a clearing. They formed a circle & the rest joined in to complete it. I spoke of why we were there, to fulfill her final wish & to celebrate her life, then told all that we would proceed around the circle so that anyone that wanted to share could do so. I held her ashes, & as we began, the songbirds started to sing out behind us, so clear & lovely a song to celebrate this holy time. Our son Myke was first, spoke of her & played his cedar Kiowa flute, then we moved around the circle. Some spoke, some did not, some were too overcome to speak their hearts; Laura (BBD#3) was the last, & read a powerful poem that she had published a few years ago. When it came to me, I spoke of the ones who could not attend, of the remarkable life I had been granted thru this family, & that although I was alone in the Lodge now, I realize that I will never be alone as I am surrounded by love.
I then read Genesis 3:19 – In the sweat of thy face shalt thou eat bread til thou return unto the ground; for out of it wast thou taken; for dust thou art, and unto dust shalt thou return.
Then I read The Committal
“Everyone the Father gives to me will come to me;
I will never turn away anyone who believes in me.
He who raised Jesus Christ from the dead
will also give new life to our mortal bodies
through his indwelling Spirit.
My heart, therefore, is glad, and my spirit rejoices;
my body also shall rest in hope.
You will show me the path of life;
in your presence there is fullness of joy,
and in your right hand are pleasures for evermore.
In sure and certain hope of the resurrection to eternal life
through our Lord Jesus Christ, we commend to Almighty
God our beloved Regina, and we commit her body to the ground; & the wind,
earth to earth, ashes to ashes, dust to dust. The Lord bless
her and keep her, the Lord make his face to shine upon him
and be gracious to her, the Lord lift up his countenance upon
her and give him peace. Amen. “
I told the congregation that I would then fulfill her final wish, & that anyone who wanted to walk with us was welcome, & anyone that wanted to participate in the scattering could do so. I began in the gardens she loved so much, then proceeded around the house. When we reached the back, the flock of ravens she loved began to call from the tall pines, & serenaded us as we rounded the house. When we got back to the starting spot, I stated: “My circle is complete: anyone who wishes to scatter her, please do so. Three of the grandkids stepped forward, as well as Bud. Then our son Myke & I walked to the screen room, scattered more there, then up the drive & around the two wolf sentries near the road. We returned to the start point, I stated, “It is finished – her final wish has been fulfilled. Now, let us celebrate life.”
We held to each other, gave our offerings of tears, & enjoyed company & fellowship until 11pm. Bud made funnel cakes, Myke made Navajo frybread, we played with the new kittens; truly, I could not have asked for a more loving & healing time. I was overcome with the sheer intensity of the love that these souls had for my beloved darlin’; the tender care they shared with me, & the joy of a reunion with CJ & Levi after far too long apart. May the Father our Creator bless & keep all them who loved her, may His arms wrap them in an embrace of Holy love & healing, may he rain down blessings upon them throughout all their days.
May the road rise to meet your feet,
The sun shine warmly upon your face,
The rain fall softly on your fields,
The wind be always at your back,
And until we meet again, may the Good Lord hold you in the palm of His Hand.
God bless you all: I love you, truly.
We had 25 in attendance, bio & non-bio family, & great friends. Several who wanted to be there were unable, & we celebrated for them in their absence. Bud cooked meat, as is his solution to everything (happily!), & apparently I asked everyone that was coming to bring bread & plates… Think I’ll open a new eBay store called Paper Plates R Us!
We ate, visited, loved, cried, & enjoyed each other all afternoon. Regina’s youngest daughter CJ (Blond Bombshell#4) & her beautiful son Levi had a blowout on the highway, had to wait for assistance & then buy a tire, but they persevered & arrived in plenty of time before the ceremony began. Thanks to our Father the Creator for keeping them safe! CJ was very gracious, we enjoyed photos of her dear granddaughters, & it was a great blessing to see her again after a very long estrangement. We talked quite a bit, it was so wonderful to have her in my arms again, my beloved’s flesh & blood, with her lovely, piercing ice blue eyes & that dazzling smile I remember so well. I pray that she received some healing there, & I appreciate the strength that it took to participate in the service for her Mother, 1 day after laying her beloved Mother in Law Regina to rest. Did I mention that I love her very much, & owe her a deep debt of gratitude for introducing me to this astounding family so many years ago?
When it came time for ceremony, several folks took Regina’s collection of canes & walking sticks, Bud carried my staff that I carved years ago, & they formed 2 lines in the drive. Wearing the ceremonial garb Regina had made for me, I carried my darlin’s ashes between them & called them to begin. They proceeded down the drive, stopped at the end & raised her canes to form an arch thru which I bore her to a clearing. They formed a circle & the rest joined in to complete it. I spoke of why we were there, to fulfill her final wish & to celebrate her life, then told all that we would proceed around the circle so that anyone that wanted to share could do so. I held her ashes, & as we began, the songbirds started to sing out behind us, so clear & lovely a song to celebrate this holy time. Our son Myke was first, spoke of her & played his cedar Kiowa flute, then we moved around the circle. Some spoke, some did not, some were too overcome to speak their hearts; Laura (BBD#3) was the last, & read a powerful poem that she had published a few years ago. When it came to me, I spoke of the ones who could not attend, of the remarkable life I had been granted thru this family, & that although I was alone in the Lodge now, I realize that I will never be alone as I am surrounded by love.
I then read Genesis 3:19 – In the sweat of thy face shalt thou eat bread til thou return unto the ground; for out of it wast thou taken; for dust thou art, and unto dust shalt thou return.
Then I read The Committal
“Everyone the Father gives to me will come to me;
I will never turn away anyone who believes in me.
He who raised Jesus Christ from the dead
will also give new life to our mortal bodies
through his indwelling Spirit.
My heart, therefore, is glad, and my spirit rejoices;
my body also shall rest in hope.
You will show me the path of life;
in your presence there is fullness of joy,
and in your right hand are pleasures for evermore.
In sure and certain hope of the resurrection to eternal life
through our Lord Jesus Christ, we commend to Almighty
God our beloved Regina, and we commit her body to the ground; & the wind,
earth to earth, ashes to ashes, dust to dust. The Lord bless
her and keep her, the Lord make his face to shine upon him
and be gracious to her, the Lord lift up his countenance upon
her and give him peace. Amen. “
I told the congregation that I would then fulfill her final wish, & that anyone who wanted to walk with us was welcome, & anyone that wanted to participate in the scattering could do so. I began in the gardens she loved so much, then proceeded around the house. When we reached the back, the flock of ravens she loved began to call from the tall pines, & serenaded us as we rounded the house. When we got back to the starting spot, I stated: “My circle is complete: anyone who wishes to scatter her, please do so. Three of the grandkids stepped forward, as well as Bud. Then our son Myke & I walked to the screen room, scattered more there, then up the drive & around the two wolf sentries near the road. We returned to the start point, I stated, “It is finished – her final wish has been fulfilled. Now, let us celebrate life.”
We held to each other, gave our offerings of tears, & enjoyed company & fellowship until 11pm. Bud made funnel cakes, Myke made Navajo frybread, we played with the new kittens; truly, I could not have asked for a more loving & healing time. I was overcome with the sheer intensity of the love that these souls had for my beloved darlin’; the tender care they shared with me, & the joy of a reunion with CJ & Levi after far too long apart. May the Father our Creator bless & keep all them who loved her, may His arms wrap them in an embrace of Holy love & healing, may he rain down blessings upon them throughout all their days.
May the road rise to meet your feet,
The sun shine warmly upon your face,
The rain fall softly on your fields,
The wind be always at your back,
And until we meet again, may the Good Lord hold you in the palm of His Hand.
God bless you all: I love you, truly.
Wednesday, May 28, 2008
Tears of the Whippoorwill
Tears of the Whippoorwill
Do you hear that lonesome whippoorwill
He sounds too blue to fly
The midnight train is whining low
I’m so lonesome I could cry
Have you ever seen a night so long
When time goes crawling by
The moon just went behind a cloud
To hide its face and cry
Did you ever see a robin weep
When leaves begin to die
That means he’s lost the will to live
I’m so lonesome I could cry
The silence of a falling star
Lights up a purple sky
And as I wonder where you are
I’m so lonesome I could cry
Hank Williams Sr. told my stepdad “Pops”, his drinking buddy, to listen for this song that he would write for him about being a lonesome soldier. Soon after, this song appeared, with its’ evocative, plaintive wail, an ode to love, loss, & emptiness.
I have always loved this song, even before Pops came on the scene. As a child, I was constantly lonely, craving something, someone who would love me, who could even in a small way understand me. Aunt Helen was the nearest to this, but she married & I was without love for many years.
Fortunately, I came to know a wonderful, amazing family of Blond Bombshells that saved me & changed my life forever. Here I found & married my beloved darlin’ WolfWife, & she loved me for 36 years. BBD#3 has been in my life pretty consistently: BBD #4 has been out of it since 1991, the other two for even longer. I place that blame squarely on my sagging shoulders: I understand. I took their Mother away, & they feel it was not my place to do so. I broke hearts, I severed ties of blood, I took love & tore it apart & left it gasping in my wake. I remember rage, I remember sharpness of tooth & tongue, I remember my evil nature rending that family as I imposed my will upon those I loved. I did not understand that I was Wolf then, ravenous for life enough to fill my empty gullet the only way I knew how, as the only emotions I understood were rage & bloodlust. I hear the bitterness, I curse this empathy that condemns me to feel the pain that I have inflicted upon them. No, I am not without sin, & I cast the stones upon myself.
Now, my darlin’ is gone from me, gone Home to the Creator with whom she will live for eternity, in joy, without pain or worry or burden. I know that time is not part of her existence, & I know that my life is mine to change so that I could be with her again in Heaven. I am also pragmatic & self-aware enough to know that I have not earned that ending, & probably never will. Perhaps the Father will allow me to see her once again from afar, a glimpse, a whisper of her soul as I am cast to my damnation. I do not presume to think that I know His will, but His salvation is too high a reward for me to delude myself that I could ever claim it. One wispy glance of her thru the veil of my destruction will be enough.
And so, it leaves me here for whatever time is left me: here, in this world of grief & pain & terror. Surrounded by family & friends & caring co-workers, I am lifted up to the point that I am afraid that I am not even grieving properly for my darlin’. Fleeting moments of pseudo-functionality are bookended by crashing lows & spurts of abject despair & longing. The absence of human touch is devastatingly familiar, as it was my life until I met my WolfWife. I did not wish to endure it then: it is no more attractive to me now.
I stood at the bank of the river-filled lake outside my office yesterday, watching the dark & rippling waters lapping their loads of trash & detritus against the bank, & I felt as if I belonged within the oily flotsam. I thought, “One step, just one little step forward, & I can join her, in 5 minutes. One step & 5 minutes…not a long journey at all…” However, since I know that no joy awaits me in that eternal infernal sleep, what does it matter when I begin my damnation? So here I am, laying down lines like Ol’ Hank, except that my napkin is a keyboard, & I am sober. Robins are rare in these lands, but my darlin’ & I have heard a whippoorwill at WolfLodge: now I can hear the sound of his tears splashing thru the pines, too many to bear, & too few to drown within.
I’m so lonesome, I could…die
Do you hear that lonesome whippoorwill
He sounds too blue to fly
The midnight train is whining low
I’m so lonesome I could cry
Have you ever seen a night so long
When time goes crawling by
The moon just went behind a cloud
To hide its face and cry
Did you ever see a robin weep
When leaves begin to die
That means he’s lost the will to live
I’m so lonesome I could cry
The silence of a falling star
Lights up a purple sky
And as I wonder where you are
I’m so lonesome I could cry
Hank Williams Sr. told my stepdad “Pops”, his drinking buddy, to listen for this song that he would write for him about being a lonesome soldier. Soon after, this song appeared, with its’ evocative, plaintive wail, an ode to love, loss, & emptiness.
I have always loved this song, even before Pops came on the scene. As a child, I was constantly lonely, craving something, someone who would love me, who could even in a small way understand me. Aunt Helen was the nearest to this, but she married & I was without love for many years.
Fortunately, I came to know a wonderful, amazing family of Blond Bombshells that saved me & changed my life forever. Here I found & married my beloved darlin’ WolfWife, & she loved me for 36 years. BBD#3 has been in my life pretty consistently: BBD #4 has been out of it since 1991, the other two for even longer. I place that blame squarely on my sagging shoulders: I understand. I took their Mother away, & they feel it was not my place to do so. I broke hearts, I severed ties of blood, I took love & tore it apart & left it gasping in my wake. I remember rage, I remember sharpness of tooth & tongue, I remember my evil nature rending that family as I imposed my will upon those I loved. I did not understand that I was Wolf then, ravenous for life enough to fill my empty gullet the only way I knew how, as the only emotions I understood were rage & bloodlust. I hear the bitterness, I curse this empathy that condemns me to feel the pain that I have inflicted upon them. No, I am not without sin, & I cast the stones upon myself.
Now, my darlin’ is gone from me, gone Home to the Creator with whom she will live for eternity, in joy, without pain or worry or burden. I know that time is not part of her existence, & I know that my life is mine to change so that I could be with her again in Heaven. I am also pragmatic & self-aware enough to know that I have not earned that ending, & probably never will. Perhaps the Father will allow me to see her once again from afar, a glimpse, a whisper of her soul as I am cast to my damnation. I do not presume to think that I know His will, but His salvation is too high a reward for me to delude myself that I could ever claim it. One wispy glance of her thru the veil of my destruction will be enough.
And so, it leaves me here for whatever time is left me: here, in this world of grief & pain & terror. Surrounded by family & friends & caring co-workers, I am lifted up to the point that I am afraid that I am not even grieving properly for my darlin’. Fleeting moments of pseudo-functionality are bookended by crashing lows & spurts of abject despair & longing. The absence of human touch is devastatingly familiar, as it was my life until I met my WolfWife. I did not wish to endure it then: it is no more attractive to me now.
I stood at the bank of the river-filled lake outside my office yesterday, watching the dark & rippling waters lapping their loads of trash & detritus against the bank, & I felt as if I belonged within the oily flotsam. I thought, “One step, just one little step forward, & I can join her, in 5 minutes. One step & 5 minutes…not a long journey at all…” However, since I know that no joy awaits me in that eternal infernal sleep, what does it matter when I begin my damnation? So here I am, laying down lines like Ol’ Hank, except that my napkin is a keyboard, & I am sober. Robins are rare in these lands, but my darlin’ & I have heard a whippoorwill at WolfLodge: now I can hear the sound of his tears splashing thru the pines, too many to bear, & too few to drown within.
I’m so lonesome, I could…die
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