In Senses Bold

In senses bold, taking life in

Does my mind wander aimless,

Tracking traces of my heart

Upon the doorsteps of those I love

Welcome in, they call

And I sometimes step over

The piles of my regrets

To accept a warm embrace

But knowing my stay within is short

I cast my eye upon the door

Regrets piled higher than before

Blocking my path to evermore.

So out I climb, the effort grows

Til I can no longer face the mound

Of lost possibilities, & missteps

And my journey turns aside.

Within me, I wonder as I wander,

What lies there, awaiting dawn

To pounce upon my consciousness

And skew the path to my redemption

Alone I walk, my hands so ache

For another hand to clasp ‘pon mine

And walk with me, wearing my coat

Amidst the winds of destiny’s chill

Stay warm, companion, mind me not

For cold is my companion, too

The dusting snow clings to my boots

To walk with me until the dawn

In darkness, stride, one step to next

The mocking stars gift me no light

No destination do I seek, now,

For it matters not now where I lie

In senses bold, I take life in,

And send it out, keeping none

Tracking traces of my heart

Past the doors of those I love.

Floating Love Finds a Heart

Upon the wind, with no wings to guide

Knowing only that it has a destination

And a destiny to fulfill, it soars

In search of a heart in which to bide.

Higher than the clouds, in airless cold it glides,

At the edge of nothing, it scans the sky

Its’ journey’s end, could be anywhere

In search of a heart in which to hide

And then, with no command to ride,

It dips into the air beneath

To fall so softly, then gather speed,

In search of a heart that is open wide.

Before it swells a hurricane’s tide,

A screaming wind huzzahs it on,

The sky it parts with no disdain,

In search of a heart to dwell inside

And there two hearts beat side by side,

Two souls in pain, with space within,

Two souls on grief once cast away,

In search of a heart unbound by pride.

The Father’s Hand waved their fears aside

And bade the flyer welcome there,

And into them both, love floated home,

In search of a heart in which to bide.

Ashes on the Wind

Dear Ones, We held the memorial for our beloved Regina on Saturday, June 7. It was a wonderful time, the weather was hot but not stifling, & the fellowship was loving & healing & fun.

We had 25 in attendance, bio & non-bio family, & great friends. Several who wanted to be there were unable, & we celebrated for them in their absence. Bud cooked meat, as is his solution to everything (happily!), & apparently I asked everyone that was coming to bring bread & plates… Think I’ll open a new eBay store called Paper Plates R Us!

We ate, visited, loved, cried, & enjoyed each other all afternoon. Regina’s youngest daughter CJ (Blond Bombshell#4) & her beautiful son Levi had a blowout on the highway, had to wait for assistance & then buy a tire, but they persevered & arrived in plenty of time before the ceremony began. Thanks to our Father the Creator for keeping them safe! CJ was very gracious, we enjoyed photos of her dear granddaughters, & it was a great blessing to see her again after a very long estrangement. We talked quite a bit, it was so wonderful to have her in my arms again, my beloved’s flesh & blood, with her lovely, piercing ice blue eyes & that dazzling smile I remember so well. I pray that she received some healing there, & I appreciate the strength that it took to participate in the service for her Mother, 1 day after laying her beloved Mother in Law Regina to rest. Did I mention that I love her very much, & owe her a deep debt of gratitude for introducing me to this astounding family so many years ago?

When it came time for ceremony, several folks took Regina’s collection of canes & walking sticks, Bud carried my staff that I carved years ago, & they formed 2 lines in the drive. Wearing the ceremonial garb Regina had made for me, I carried my darlin’s ashes between them & called them to begin. They proceeded down the drive, stopped at the end & raised her canes to form an arch thru which I bore her to a clearing. They formed a circle & the rest joined in to complete it. I spoke of why we were there, to fulfill her final wish & to celebrate her life, then told all that we would proceed around the circle so that anyone that wanted to share could do so. I held her ashes, & as we began, the songbirds started to sing out behind us, so clear & lovely a song to celebrate this holy time. Our son Myke was first, spoke of her & played his cedar Kiowa flute, then we moved around the circle. Some spoke, some did not, some were too overcome to speak their hearts; Laura (BBD#3) was the last, & read a powerful poem that she had published a few years ago. When it came to me, I spoke of the ones who could not attend, of the remarkable life I had been granted thru this family, & that although I was alone in the Lodge now, I realize that I will never be alone as I am surrounded by love.

I then read Genesis 3:19 – In the sweat of thy face shalt thou eat bread til thou return unto the ground; for out of it wast thou taken; for dust thou art, and unto dust shalt thou return.

Then I read The Committal
“Everyone the Father gives to me will come to me;
I will never turn away anyone who believes in me.
He who raised Jesus Christ from the dead
will also give new life to our mortal bodies
through his indwelling Spirit.
My heart, therefore, is glad, and my spirit rejoices;
my body also shall rest in hope.
You will show me the path of life;
in your presence there is fullness of joy,
and in your right hand are pleasures for evermore.

In sure and certain hope of the resurrection to eternal life
through our Lord Jesus Christ, we commend to Almighty
God our beloved Regina, and we commit her body to the ground; & the wind,
earth to earth, ashes to ashes, dust to dust. The Lord bless
her and keep her, the Lord make his face to shine upon him
and be gracious to her, the Lord lift up his countenance upon
her and give him peace. Amen. “

I told the congregation that I would then fulfill her final wish, & that anyone who wanted to walk with us was welcome, & anyone that wanted to participate in the scattering could do so. I began in the gardens she loved so much, then proceeded around the house. When we reached the back, the flock of ravens she loved began to call from the tall pines, & serenaded us as we rounded the house. When we got back to the starting spot, I stated: “My circle is complete: anyone who wishes to scatter her, please do so. Three of the grandkids stepped forward, as well as Bud. Then our son Myke & I walked to the screen room, scattered more there, then up the drive & around the two wolf sentries near the road. We returned to the start point, I stated, “It is finished – her final wish has been fulfilled. Now, let us celebrate life.”

We held to each other, gave our offerings of tears, & enjoyed company & fellowship until 11pm. Bud made funnel cakes, Myke made Navajo frybread, we played with the new kittens; truly, I could not have asked for a more loving & healing time. I was overcome with the sheer intensity of the love that these souls had for my beloved darlin’; the tender care they shared with me, & the joy of a reunion with CJ & Levi after far too long apart. May the Father our Creator bless & keep all them who loved her, may His arms wrap them in an embrace of Holy love & healing, may he rain down blessings upon them throughout all their days.

May the road rise to meet your feet,
The sun shine warmly upon your face,
The rain fall softly on your fields,
The wind be always at your back,
And until we meet again, may the Good Lord hold you in the palm of His Hand.

God bless you all: I love you, truly.

Death Comes Again

Just learned that Blond Bombshell #4's ex Mother In Law passed away this morning. I never met her personally, but I knew BBD#4's husband, & the bite of fresh grief is there, ripping open wounds that have hardly begun to heal less than a month since my Beloved Darlin' went Home to the Creator. Just think about the enormity of losing 2 Mothers, 2 Grandmothers, within 30 days...and both were named Regina.

BBD#4's children & grandchildren were close to their paternal Grandmother, as we were estranged from them for the last 17 years. They still plan to attend my darlin's memorial this Saturday, as their newly-passed Grandmother's ceremony will be Friday. So I take solace that we will try to retie bonds in face of loss & trust the Creator to weave them strongly once again.

As I heard the news of fresh tears, a song was playing on the AIROS stream: "Speak To Me Grandma" ©1992 by Jack Gladstone
This song touched me, as another timely gift from the creator:

"This song was written at the Babb, Montana schoolhouse on the morning of my Indian grandmother’s funeral. It was really an amazing gift that went smoothly from spirit to pen in only 14 minutes. It is dedicated to the awakening within us of the sanctity of oral tradition within the family."

"Speak to me Grandma I’m alone in my thoughts
Speak to me Grandma You’re at home with the thought...
There’s a wind blowing off the top of Divide
Through the valley of our old St. Mary
You have thrice earned the rest that you’e got
And the cross your fingers carry to beyond...
Now, I really can’t believe that you’re gone.

Speak to me Grandma, stories blossom in you
Speak to me Grandma legend blended with truth.
And your words brushed a portrait for us
In the Valley of our old St. Mary
Your eyes were the light for us
When our bodies couldn't carry us beyond...
Now, I really can’t believe that you’re gone.

You felt the buffalo go
You heard the stagecoach roll
You saw booming Altyn rise and fall
You rode your pony upon
Moccasin Flat at century’s dawn
The trails became roads
and the roads became old...
We listened to the stories that you told.

You wed a man from the north
Then ten fine children came forth
Alex still is your groom.
You were the center of us.
Still in our valley we trust
The vision of St. Mary
appeared upon the lake
And leaves me in this fast-closing wake.

Speak to me Grandma I’m alone in my thoughts
Speak to me Grandma You’re at home with the thought...
There’s a wind blowing off the top of Divide
Through the valley of our old St. Mary
You have thrice earned the rest that you’ve got
And the cross your fingers carry to beyond...
Now, I really can’t believe that you’re gone.

There’s a wind blowing off the top of Divide
Through the valley of our old St. Mary
You have thrice earned the rest that you’ve got
And the cross your fingers carry to beyond...
Now, I really can’t believe that you’re gone.

No I really can’t believe
It’s so hard to imagine.

I really don’t believe that you’re gone."

I offer my gift of new tears, & prayers that the Creator hold all our family close, & bear BBD#4, her children, & her children's children across this vale of loss & grieving.

The beat of the drum ties us to the earth, to the heartbeat of the world, to the life force of the Creator...let us all dance in His way.